What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I looked at my own cervix.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
