Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's blow job season.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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