Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
