I accidentally had phone sex last night
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
