someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
