She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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