Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
