Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
