I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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