don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
