I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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