I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
