The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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