I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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