i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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