But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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