i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
where does the pee come out of this thing
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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