I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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