I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
