seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
