We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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