Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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