never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
