Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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