I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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