update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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