Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
