My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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