why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
