If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize