a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
