My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
