peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
