Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
sex in a hospital.. check
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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