Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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