walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
worst night to have a conscience
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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