there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Sext me about skeletons
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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