Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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