Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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