We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
