Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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