My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
