I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Drunk is not a location!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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