I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
