The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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