FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize