my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You can't special order awesome
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
