The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
