I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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