I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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