It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
