Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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