So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My dick has a subreddit
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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