wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
