i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
