just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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